Rebuilding The Beast

I know I've said it before, but I will say it again, my hubby is a rockstar.

Today was the eclipse and maybe that had something to do with it. Or maybe it was the fact we are both super sore and tired of the current way of things. Literally. My husband has back issues and so do I. Ever since I injured myself, my back has never been the same. And coming out of the hospital and looking at all the debt collectors who want money for those visits, has really crushed me emotionally. I can't live like this. My doctors say I am too fat. I am over 200 pounds and I am a tiny person. I am only 5 foot 3. This is not good for me, and not just because of the Fibro and other Chronic shit. I know some of my weight gain is the drugs they put me on, but not all of it. And I have been eating for comfort a lot. Because it is one of the few vices I gave myself excuses for.

No more.

I told my husband I wanted to hurt less. That I should change my diet like my doctors say. That I need to exercise more, but carefully, so I don't cause more injuries. He agreed, and said he should do it too because he feels like shit as well. He wants to be stronger for LARPING, and so do I. I want to be able to do fights more. I like fighting. I have always been a fighter. I don't feel defeated anymore. I feel angry. And I am going to use that rage to get healthier.

It helps that my hubby wants to do this too though. Having a workout buddy who can bitch you out when you need it and wipe your tears is essential. It's going to suck a lot to start with. We are gonna slowly phase out junk food from our house and replace it with veggies and protein. We have decided a routine we are going to try that will help build strength and muscle, then we will go into endurance. I told him my pace will be slow to start, and I am gonna get mad a lot. Especially at myself when I cant do what I think I should be able to do. I know he will support me and keep me inspired to keep going. He knows me. And I will do the same for him.

I think what made this more real was when I admitted to myself that this is just another part of my life. I won't allow all this chronic illness shit to dictate who I am. I am a fucking bad ass. And I will be a bad ass again. This was a minor setback. My entire life up till now has been a hard fucking road, so it's no different that my damn mid 30's be hard as well. This is just how it is, and like my past, I will overcome again and prove them all fucking wrong.

I am better than chronic illness. I'm a Kweenybeast. And I will go out like a fucking beast.

Pain Journal: Day To Day Sacrifices

Everything takes sacrifice. I have known this my whole life. But with everything that has happened this year, I have also learned sometimes you don't get to choose when you have to sacrifice or not. I don't live in the delusion anymore that fate exists or that I have complete free will. Loosing these comfortable illusions have made me wiser to what really matters.

The day to day choices we make to either improve ourselves or not is what matters. Yes, some days are going to be harder than others. Some days I am going to just feel like shit, emotionally, or physically. Some days I have to struggle to just get out of bed, and that will be my little victory of the day. Sometimes all I can have is words to comfort me, because touching me or anything else of that nature is going to cause more harm then good. Sometimes I go into an event knowing I will hurt later for it. These and many other things, are the little sacrifices I do to continue to exist in this world.

It can be a real challenge. I spent the weekend having a blast with friends, playing monsters, refugees and salvagers in the LARP. I had fun. But on Sunday when I woke up I knew even the little I did costed me, and I was going to pay for it probably all of next week. I am hoping I feel better soon, but I don't count on it. I do what I can to ease my pain until it reaches a point I can do creative work through it. When it's really bad though, all I can do is rest and try to distract my mind from things.

But I knew what I was getting into. I didn't realize how hard NPCing is on me though, because this LARP I went to is different than the others. It's one of my favorites for sure, but I don't know if I can NPC for it anymore. It's so high combat that I couldn't avoid being in combat, even when I was supposed to be a non-com character. It happened twice, and I do enjoy battle, but I can't do as much of it anymore. Constant battle is not good for me. I end up hurting myself later to a high degree. My heart wants to be in combats. I always give my characters the option to fight for that reason. But an NPC is not a character. I have to do what is good for the story, not what is good for my personal ambitions.

I need to be more assertive too with my needs. I know I try to not burden people, I worry way too much about that. I am afraid of pushing people away, which I have done earlier this year. So I struggle with what I need, and what others want from me, and if I can't live up to their expectations I feel shattered. Every time. Sometimes I think I might be assuming they expect things from me, but I can't tell. I am afraid to ask. I am afraid of letting myself down too. My husband says I have a fear of success and that is holding me back. But how can I be successful when I can barely keep up with the world anymore? When my pain holds me back? When I need pills to just be "balanced" so my mania doesn't destroy me?

My heart is heavy, but I am still here. Those of you who love me and worry that you could loose me to the darkness, don't. Your light keeps me from falling back into the pit. Thank you for being there for me. I'm going to find a way to overcome all this, even if I can only do it on a day to day basis.

In time I will wrangle my monsters and turn them into wild dreams. For now, I am going to nurse my broken body and try to not hate myself for not accomplishing anything.