I wish I could tell you that when I wake up in the morning, it's like I am a warrior of old, strapping on my armor and picking up my heavy sword. That sounds much more like how I see my inner warrior getting up. But that's not how I do it.
I get up and gasp in pain. Instantly as I reach consciousness, I also feel horrible back pain. Sometimes I wake up in sweat, even on cold days. But right now, the weather is tremendously searing-ass hot out, and I am melting down to my bones. So I wake up sweaty, and I shrug. The pain is what I am now worried about, and I drag my sad ass to the washroom. I take some pain meds, then my psyche meds, then my supplements. I grab my cremes and start smearing them all over my back. Slowly the pain bows down for a while. I sigh and brush my teeth, one hand holding my body up on the sink.
Once I have fully medicated myself I eat and then do yoga. I do 20 mins or so and try to do as many poses as my body will allow. Sometimes, like today, I feel numb inside. I do things, but I am not feeling it. I can't handle the heat. It feels like it's burning my skin off and I am not even outside. Sweat is still dripping off me in rivers. I try going down for a nap to see if it helps. It doesn't. I wake up feeling nauseous. I put my clothes back on but they hurt my skin. Everything hurts my skin, even air. I'm trying to keep up my liquids because I need more than most people. I decided having a bath would cool me down. For a bit it helps. My skin no longer burns me. I even added some bubbles because I could. It's kinda lovely here until my neck screams at me. Party pooper.
I try doing art today. Or do some house work like cleaning the kitchen. I loose myself in art enough I ignore the horrible pain in my back returning. By the time I notice it, it's really bad, and broke through my creative flow. Now I am upset. That touched me past the numb place. I'm crying softly but I don't know why. No one is in the house right now but the cat. And she has heard me cry before. But I swallow it half way down. I just don't want to fall apart right now. It's not as bad as I am making it out to be...
But it is bad. Really bad. My muscles spasm. My heart aches. Nerve pain shoots through my body. I want to be successful. I want to be functional. I don't want to fall apart like my mother did. I won't give up...
I fall to my knees, like a wounded warrior. Blood pools at my knees and I see a broken sword in my hands. I am tired from the fighting. The constant fighting. When do wounded warriors get to rest?
But I know the answer to that.
And so I get up, clumsy, and smile for my loved ones who come home from work. Tonight I get to cook dinner. The pain in my every-place makes this feel like cooking in hell. Even things I enjoy doing, are hard. But I will do them despite my body's protests because they are mine, not the illnesses. I eat dinner, I tuck my loving husband in. And then I am alone with my pain. Again.
I sometimes like it though, but not always. I spend a lot of time alone. I work better alone too.
But I only work at night when I didn't work in the daytime. I rest now. I sit and watch a show or a movie and I rest. If I cant sleep due to pain, I make my space as comfy as possible. Because I had a hard day. And I am learning that I need this to be sane. To get through the hard times.
And I rest until I get sleepy. Then I drag myself to bed, take my night meds, and go to sleep. And I hurt. But exhaustion has the upper hand tonight. With her dark tendrils, she holds me and I pass the fuck out.
My wounds bleed out through the night through my armor. Because I don't have the energy to properly take it off. It feels like the weight of the world. My world. My weight.
This is how I endure a bad flare up day. It's not really exciting. Just a day mostly wasted to thrashing with my Chronic Illnesses. The days I can get shit done, pain be damned, are magical. I cope the ways that work best for me, and sometimes, just enduring the pain is all you can do. It too shall pass, but sometimes the wait takes forever.
Friday, August 19, 2016
A Day in the Life of a KweenyBeast
I wish I could tell you that when I wake up in the morning, it's like I am a warrior of old, strapping on my armor and picking up my heavy sword. That sounds much more like how I see my inner warrior getting up. But that's not how I do it.
I get up and gasp in pain. Instantly as I reach consciousness, I also feel horrible back pain. Sometimes I wake up in sweat, even on cold days. But right now, the weather is tremendously searing-ass hot out, and I am melting down to my bones. So I wake up sweaty, and I shrug. The pain is what I am now worried about, and I drag my sad ass to the washroom. I take some pain meds, then my psyche meds, then my supplements. I grab my cremes and start smearing them all over my back. Slowly the pain bows down for a while. I sigh and brush my teeth, one hand holding my body up on the sink.
Once I have fully medicated myself I eat and then do yoga. Sometimes, like today, I feel numb inside. I do things, but I am not feeling it. I can't handle the heat. It feels like it's burning my skin off and I am not even outside. Sweat is still dripping off me in rivers. I try going down for a nap to see if it helps. It doesn't. I wake up feeling nauseous. I put my clothes back on but they hurt my skin. Everything hurts my skin, even air. I'm trying to keep up my liquids because I need more than most people. I decided having a bath would cool me down. For a bit it helps. My skin no longer burns me. I even added some bubbles because I could. It's kinda lovely here until my neck screams at me. Party pooper.
I try doing art today. I loose myself enough I ignore the horrible pain in my back returning. By the time I notice it, it's really bad, and broke through my creative flow. Now I am upset That touched me past the numb place. I'm crying softly but I don't know why. No one is in the house right now but the cat. And she has heard me cry before. But I swallow it half way down. I just don't want to fall apart right now. It's not as bad as I am making it out to be...
But it is bad. Really bad. My muscles spasm. My heart aches. I want to be successful. I don't want to fall apart like my mother did. I won't give up...
I fall to my knees, like a wounded warrior. Blood pools at my knees and I see a broken sword in my hands. I am tired from the fighting. The constant fighting. When do wounded warriors get to rest?
But I know the answer to that.
And so I get up, clumsy, and smile for my loved ones who come home from work. I eat dinner, I tuck my husband in. And then I am alone. Again.
I sometimes like it though, but not always. I spend a lot of time alone. I work better alone too.
But I only work at night when I didn't work in the daytime. I rest now. I sit and watch a show or a movie and I rest. If I cant sleep due to pain, I make my space as comfy as possible. Because I had a hard day. And I am learning that I need this to be sane. To get through the hard times.
And I rest until I get sleepy. Then I drag myself to bed, take my night meds, and go to sleep. And I hurt. But exhaustion has the upper hand tonight. With her dark tendrils, she holds me and I pass the fuck out.
My wounds bleed out through the night through my armor. Because I don't have the energy to properly take it off. It feels like the weight of the world. My world. My weight.
This is how I endure a bad flare up day. It's not really exciting. Just a day mostly wasted to thrashing with my Chronic Illnesses. The days I can get shit done, pain be damned, are magical. I cope the ways that work best for me, and sometimes, just enduring the pain is all you can do. It too shall pass. Sadly, pain should pass faster than it fucking does!
I get up and gasp in pain. Instantly as I reach consciousness, I also feel horrible back pain. Sometimes I wake up in sweat, even on cold days. But right now, the weather is tremendously searing-ass hot out, and I am melting down to my bones. So I wake up sweaty, and I shrug. The pain is what I am now worried about, and I drag my sad ass to the washroom. I take some pain meds, then my psyche meds, then my supplements. I grab my cremes and start smearing them all over my back. Slowly the pain bows down for a while. I sigh and brush my teeth, one hand holding my body up on the sink.
Once I have fully medicated myself I eat and then do yoga. Sometimes, like today, I feel numb inside. I do things, but I am not feeling it. I can't handle the heat. It feels like it's burning my skin off and I am not even outside. Sweat is still dripping off me in rivers. I try going down for a nap to see if it helps. It doesn't. I wake up feeling nauseous. I put my clothes back on but they hurt my skin. Everything hurts my skin, even air. I'm trying to keep up my liquids because I need more than most people. I decided having a bath would cool me down. For a bit it helps. My skin no longer burns me. I even added some bubbles because I could. It's kinda lovely here until my neck screams at me. Party pooper.
I try doing art today. I loose myself enough I ignore the horrible pain in my back returning. By the time I notice it, it's really bad, and broke through my creative flow. Now I am upset That touched me past the numb place. I'm crying softly but I don't know why. No one is in the house right now but the cat. And she has heard me cry before. But I swallow it half way down. I just don't want to fall apart right now. It's not as bad as I am making it out to be...
But it is bad. Really bad. My muscles spasm. My heart aches. I want to be successful. I don't want to fall apart like my mother did. I won't give up...
I fall to my knees, like a wounded warrior. Blood pools at my knees and I see a broken sword in my hands. I am tired from the fighting. The constant fighting. When do wounded warriors get to rest?
But I know the answer to that.
And so I get up, clumsy, and smile for my loved ones who come home from work. I eat dinner, I tuck my husband in. And then I am alone. Again.
I sometimes like it though, but not always. I spend a lot of time alone. I work better alone too.
But I only work at night when I didn't work in the daytime. I rest now. I sit and watch a show or a movie and I rest. If I cant sleep due to pain, I make my space as comfy as possible. Because I had a hard day. And I am learning that I need this to be sane. To get through the hard times.
And I rest until I get sleepy. Then I drag myself to bed, take my night meds, and go to sleep. And I hurt. But exhaustion has the upper hand tonight. With her dark tendrils, she holds me and I pass the fuck out.
My wounds bleed out through the night through my armor. Because I don't have the energy to properly take it off. It feels like the weight of the world. My world. My weight.
This is how I endure a bad flare up day. It's not really exciting. Just a day mostly wasted to thrashing with my Chronic Illnesses. The days I can get shit done, pain be damned, are magical. I cope the ways that work best for me, and sometimes, just enduring the pain is all you can do. It too shall pass. Sadly, pain should pass faster than it fucking does!
Tuesday, August 2, 2016
Pain Journal: Calloused Heart
I'm sitting here listening to one of my favorite spoken word poets, Shane Koyzan. Every time I hear his poem To This Day, I cry.
Except today.
I'm numb to the very core of my being. It's how I can cope with the whirlwind of emotional and physical crap I am dealing with right now. I was dumb yesterday, having had a wonderful visit with a friend then trying to nap to get some spoons back. I ended up with less spoons than I started with, which was a bummer. So I totally forgot until I had to go take my dose for the evening, that I needed to get my refill on my drugs.
It happens to everyone once in a while. But when it happens to me, I get super fucked up.
My hands are trembling so bad, I feel like I am coming off of crack. This is the price I pay, among other symptoms. My life is full of warning labels and chemicals. Sometimes, they make me feel empty. I feel like that now. I had some mania this morning. I woke up earlier than normal and had a had time getting to sleep. I spent most of the day doing chores to burn off the mania, which was causing flares throughout my body because everything is connected. It really is true that if your mind isn't stable, your body wont be either. Especially if like me, you are super sensitive.
I hate that I need chemicals to function. I hate that I sometimes live in fear of the day my drugs run out. I hate that I can't just fucking be a functional human being. I had to go through a lot of mental bullshit to get to a point where I am now. I used to fear drugs of any kind. Even Tylenol was scary to me, until I started hurting in ways that make you loose all sense of dignity and pride. I do what I have to now to stay stable. My personal war keeps me fighting for my health and sanity.
But when I am numb like this, I force myself to say something, anything, and be heard. Because I need to be. I need to know I am not alone. That this shit happens to other Chronic Illness Warriors too. The loneliness gets to be too heavy. Sometimes the horrible shifting between beast and beauty leaves me with nothing left to give. I lie in the wasteland of my suppressed tears and wish something would give enough that I could feel a release of the pain. Just a little. I will take any little bit of peace right now.
Today I feel a callous on my heart. And I don't have the tools to deal with it. So I will ride it out to the bitter end, where I will probably be on my yoga mat weeping. Maybe tomorrow.
Tonight, I endure.
Except today.
I'm numb to the very core of my being. It's how I can cope with the whirlwind of emotional and physical crap I am dealing with right now. I was dumb yesterday, having had a wonderful visit with a friend then trying to nap to get some spoons back. I ended up with less spoons than I started with, which was a bummer. So I totally forgot until I had to go take my dose for the evening, that I needed to get my refill on my drugs.
It happens to everyone once in a while. But when it happens to me, I get super fucked up.
My hands are trembling so bad, I feel like I am coming off of crack. This is the price I pay, among other symptoms. My life is full of warning labels and chemicals. Sometimes, they make me feel empty. I feel like that now. I had some mania this morning. I woke up earlier than normal and had a had time getting to sleep. I spent most of the day doing chores to burn off the mania, which was causing flares throughout my body because everything is connected. It really is true that if your mind isn't stable, your body wont be either. Especially if like me, you are super sensitive.
I hate that I need chemicals to function. I hate that I sometimes live in fear of the day my drugs run out. I hate that I can't just fucking be a functional human being. I had to go through a lot of mental bullshit to get to a point where I am now. I used to fear drugs of any kind. Even Tylenol was scary to me, until I started hurting in ways that make you loose all sense of dignity and pride. I do what I have to now to stay stable. My personal war keeps me fighting for my health and sanity.
But when I am numb like this, I force myself to say something, anything, and be heard. Because I need to be. I need to know I am not alone. That this shit happens to other Chronic Illness Warriors too. The loneliness gets to be too heavy. Sometimes the horrible shifting between beast and beauty leaves me with nothing left to give. I lie in the wasteland of my suppressed tears and wish something would give enough that I could feel a release of the pain. Just a little. I will take any little bit of peace right now.
Today I feel a callous on my heart. And I don't have the tools to deal with it. So I will ride it out to the bitter end, where I will probably be on my yoga mat weeping. Maybe tomorrow.
Tonight, I endure.
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