I got a new Psychiatrist today, and I can safely say all my
worries about another new doc were for not. He was awesome and a great
listener. He was better to me than my last one. He actually asked me questions
like “How did you get your PTSD at night?” and “Why hasn’t your doctor tried
these things with you?” and “You’ve only been seeing people for help after you
had your break a few years ago? REALLY? You’ve been trying to do it mostly on
your own?”
I had to give him a reader’s digest version of my life up
until now. How living with a drug addict and seeing so many doctors chop my mother up from the inside out just made me afriad to try. The most I did was go to therapy. I have carried on and not killed myaelf because of really awesome friends and lovers in my past. Some I hurt too much by being Bipolar Q. That version of me is a hilarious asshole, but still an asshole. I had to summarize decades of horrible crap into an hour and even
then, I think he was impressed. He said I had good self awareness, and that I
don’t have to do things the hard way. He is adjusting my meds, doing the blood
work needed, and gave me more Seroquel and a new drug, Gabapentin. I have tried Gabapentin before, I now it
helps. It is good for both pain and calming of anxiety. SCORE! Seems I am on a winning streak with doctors. I
am still leery, But the way this new doctor listened to me and cares about my being stable and productive. He knows the dangers being on drugs for mental
illness can cause. The side effects and the madness. He is going to teach me to use the meds I have
to help me through the bad times. Because when the Bipolar gets bad, I struggle
still through it. The Depression makes me suicidal, and the Mania makes me do
crazy shit. Reckless, stupid shit. “When it’s bad, take extra Lithium and Seroquel.
And don’t forget the Gabapentin. It’s okay to do this because I give you
permission. Just do this when you are having a rough time. Otherwise take your
meds as you normally do. And if you like how the gabapentin works with your
other meds, take it at night for your sleep issues.”
He’s so…practical about it. I need that, because I respond
well to practical. Give me a road map and I will work with it. I might find a
new path on my own, but I will let you know if I do. He gets that I know my
body and mind better than he does. But he sees my pension for making things
hard. I thought I wasn’t being that bad, but I have been corrected. So I have
new meds, new adjustments. Hopefully I don’t become a zombie, but I don’t think
I will. I do everything I can to balance my medications and my creativity. I
wont let anything kill me and make me a drugged slave. Drugs for me are to make
my life easier and stable, not repressing myself to stave off madness.
I want to be a good example people can turn to when they
face the choice to take any medication to give themselves a better quality of
life. I need meds to function. I am literally a danger to myself and others if
I am not medicated. When my brain broke last, it broke in a way it can’t come
back from. Like an overheating computer. It’s hard to recall things when you
are constantly having blue screens and corrupted data. I have bad genes, but it’s
just another fucking stupid thing I gotta work with.
I’ve been climbing walls my whole life. I know who and what
I am, good and bad. I know I don’t have an easy lot in life, but I also don’t
need to punish myself for having a chemical imbalance. I look forward to a day
when I can say I am in remission completely. It might not happen, but I can
still strive for it.
I don’t want to get
my hopes up about anything right now, so I tip-toe into the deep end and see if
I can swim.
