I am the Kweenybeast of Halloween. I can feel the change in the wind before stores have Halloween Stuff. When the weather drops, so does my ability to fend of flares, but October is my happy place. So I don't dwell on the flares ups to come. I know they will happen, I know I wont be able to larp come December, and I already had to bow out from a cool Halloween event because of rain and cold.
The cold is my bane, but Halloween is my anti-depressant.
I have had rough moments so far during this month, but it hasn't crippled me mentally. I won't allow it. This is the month I give to my inner child. My feral wolf pup self who I protected from horrible abuse growning up. I locked her away but for her own good. So she would never have to remember the horrors I have seen. So she could stay innocent.
Because showing any weakness where I came from, meant I could be killed for it. Literally. If the vultures smelled blood in the water, even a little, they would take me down. Hell they took advantage of what they could see. Like when I hit puberty and all of my mothers addict friends noticed.
And that was the first time I hated my gender.
Because showing any weakness where I came from, meant I could be killed for it. Literally. If the vultures smelled blood in the water, even a little, they would take me down. Hell they took advantage of what they could see. Like when I hit puberty and all of my mothers addict friends noticed.
And that was the first time I hated my gender.
Over time though, you realize even that part of your psyche isn't whole. Even she was touched by tragedy, but we made her a promise. We'd never let anyone hurt her again, and we certainty would let her have a second childhood. A way better one, full of monsters and Halloween treats.
So for a month I become childlike. I giggle in haunted cornmazes when monsters jump out at me. I read up on the best fake blood recipes. I watch horror movie after horror movie until I can't keep my eyes open. I drool over Halloween candies and eat Count Chocula, and I buy myself as much awesome horror and Halloween things as I can get my hands on. This is the best time to buy me presents. This is the kind of shit that makes my heart sing.
I am a monster. But I am a happy one.
Last year I was happy too around this time, but I can feel that it's different with me on the meds. I am not so...manic about it. It's more like an even pace of happiness instead of an up and down swing. Even when I am in a bad flare up, I see a pumpkin or monster and I just feel my mind soothed. This shit really makes me happy. I really just feel the most...complete when I am being a big horror nerd. It's not like I don't do this stuff all year round, but I pace it out more during the rest of the year. This month I drown in it. I devour it. I gorge myself on Halloween and horror shit until I burst.
Because it's my happy place.
So Little Q, Happy Halloween! Thank you for seeing beauty in the darkness. Keep your fuzzy wolfie self shining!
