Learning To Self Censor and Cope...

One achingly painful step at a time.

I wrote this first in my beautiful new personal pain journal, and while I am sharing this, I don't share EVERY thought I have anymore. For a while there I was scattered to the wind. I am coming back to center.

And here are some reflections:

In trying to express myself, I scared people I love. They became terrified and couldn't cope with me either, which is fair as I am having a difficult time coping too. They became terrified for my well being, and their actions sometimes made things worse for me instead of better. This is not a judgement, it's my reality. As Megan Fox said, " We were so worried for you we crushed the Kweeny-fly like a bug with a fly swatter. We didn't mean to. We didn't know how to help you. The internet is limited in how one can express themselves, and things get mis-interpreted. It cannot convey the subtleties of emotions like face to face interactions can."

She's right. I was trying so hard to just be heard, to express things that are very difficult for me to come to terms with, and all that turmoil inside me, shattered me. I haven't been shattered like this in a VERY long time. I am feeling on multiple levels, can it can lead to misunderstandings and assumptions from both myself and my monster-kids. I have my fair share of asshole assumptions that drove me to do things I normally wouldn't do. And I am a bitch sometimes, especially to myself. Most of all to myself.

But when people try too hard to help me, it feels like being smothered. I need people to ASK me if I want company, ASK me if I need help, so I can look inside and ask MYSELF those same questions. I need my anatomy. I am independent and fierce, even when I am feeling broken and useless. The voices that make me feel useless, tell me no one listens or cares. They are projections, and only the people I love can quelch those feelings by ASKING me questions. That is how you can help. The rest is up to me.

Don't coddle me. Don't force me to do things against my will. Don't DECIDE for me what is best for me.

Just inspire me to be a better me.

Ask me what I need, not what you THINK I need. I will answer with my truth.

I love all my friends, lovers and supporters. I love my Husband and Girlfriend. They are good to me, and they don't have to agree with how I cope or what I say. It's my truth, not yours. I am coping as best I can. I am emphatic and feel WAAAY too strongly for my small body. My feet currently are swollen, my back in agony and my mind is barely keeping it together. I hurt EVERYWHERE. In my body, my mind and my spirit. Years of pain all rushing to the surface because I was trying to hard to tough for too long.

Cornering a wolf is always a bad idea, and though the wolf is responsible for biting people, it cannot tell if someone is pushing it against the wall out of friendship or fear. A wolf will distrust if you won't allow it to run. I need to walk into the night angry sometimes. I need to howl my sorrow at the moon. I need to sometimes shed my skin like a snake and accidentally forget I am in a human body, while the paramedics don't understand that my answering the door naked isn't a bad thing. *facepalms at that* I sometimes don't understand social "niceties" because where I come from, those rules and guidelines didn't exist or where deterrents to my progress.

If you can't hear my growling as you approach me, then you need to listen harder. I will bite less if you do. Especially if you prove to me it's safe to come out of my wolfie den and let you hold and pet me.

Because parts of me don't think I deserve even that small comfort.

Don't smother my fire. Please. I need it to be who I am. I need it to love you back.

Also for the record: I am at a point I am really grateful for the therapy I am going to be doing soon. Art and journaling therapy mixed with talking and exercise are what I need right now. I was using the elliptical daily for 2-3 days straight when pacing around my "cage" wasn't enough. I could only do maybe 5 mins at most at a time, but it was AWESOME. I felt ALIVE again. Like even though I have physical limitations from things like Raynauds and Fibro, I could still be strong. I could overcome this shit.

I fear the Lithium, I won't lie. I don't want it to smother my voice. I think medicinal pot mixed with my other drugs would help me, and so does my doctors. They are suggesting I get a green card and I have this awesome referral for something like water therapy...? It is exercise in water so it's low impact and helps strengthen my sore body. It sounds fucking cool! And I love art therapy and have been doing that anyhow, so this shit is exciting...

My first family I made inside my head. Mirror Shards. They are all mine, even the asshole parts. I own them. I am them. They make up Kweeny Todd, or as people affectionately call me Kweenybeast. I don't want to do anything that takes them away. They taught me to love outside myself, and I realize now I am blessed with love in abundance.

I just don't know how to show you all just how much you mean to me without wounding my stupid little pride.

Feels man. They fucking are exhausting and suck sometimes.

But I love all of you who read this journal. Who've stuck by me so far. Who hope I can rise above this like a phoenix from the ashes.

Thank you for believing in me when I cannot believe in myself.

If you need an apology for whatever jerkface thing I did while manic and out of my gourd, here it is: I am sorry. But I am not going to apologize for being me though. It was never my intention to scare you. When I said I thought I was going to die, I really honestly thought I was DYING. The pain was that bad. It drove me mad.

And I am still living in the aftermath of the nuke blast.

I am scared too. Fucking terrified. I want to let it all go.

I just need time.

(Song of the Moment: Lithium by Evanescence.)

PS: One of my therapists looks like Nathan Fillion. I fucking LOVE him. :D