Life doesn't pick favorites, even if it looks that way. Some people are extremely lucky. They know how to do crazy matrix moves through life, dodging bullets and carving out their life path with ease. It may not be that easy, but it sure looks like it from where I stand, looking up from the abyss. I envy those people. It's hard not to when your path is etched in pain and horror. It's hard to see the beauty of those few precious moments in your own life where things aren't that bad. Because there are so few of them, a battle weary warrior like myself can't keep a hold on those moments as easily as some. It's was trained into me at a young age that life will always be unfair, and not just unfair. Utterly and completely cruel. Because even those few moments of joy will be turned into a whirlwind of pain if I start overthinking everything, or I start listening to the voices that remind me of what a failure I am at living and thriving in life.
Some things just never leave you no matter how many times you rise from the ashes. Some scars come with you through each transformation.
Because the human body remembers all your suffering.
You're seeing now a veteran of a thousand psychic wars,
My energy is spent at last, and my armor is destroyed,
I have used up all my weapons, and I'm helpless and bereaved.
Wounds are all I'm made of!
Did I hear you say that this is victory?
I feel like the worst person to be in love with. Trying to find some living soil to plant seeds in is hard when your heart is a wasteland. I've messed up every relationship I have ever had, at one point or another. Not because I wanted to drive them away, but because I was scared. Scared that someone could love me the way I have always wanted in my secret heart. I wasn't picky the first time I prayed to God, asking for someone to love me. I was a good Catholic girl then. I had a prayer shrine and I talked to the Virgin Mary. Still talk to her, but she wears different faces for me now. Being Pagan helped me open myself spiritually. But I just wanted to know real, loyal, passionate love. With anyone at all. I just wanted to know what devotion felt like. What compassion and inspiration would do to a soul as wounded as mine. My first reaction to pain and fear is to burn it all to the ground and salt the earth. I don't like this compulsion in me. Once upon a time I believed this was a good way to protect yourself from harm. It's not. It just denies you any chance of making love work for you.
Sometimes things change though. People grow tired of certain behaviors and so do you. Sometimes people die. Or you have to deal with toxic people because you got no where else to go. Or marriages fail. Or you just can't open up like you used to and it gets thrown in your face.
I am a veteran of a thousand psychic wars. My brain is full of trauma and weirdness. I will never be normal. Never be a nice girl you an take home to mom and dad. I have wounds that bleed on the regular. Reminding me I haven't left the war, because it lives deep inside me. Boneyards full of the dead and forgotten. I am not a nice girl. I'm not even a girl at all really.
I'm going through some hard shit that has driven me out of my home. Though in all honestly, that place isn't a home. I wish it was more of a rest stop, but certain factors make that difficult. I won't allow toxic people to force their way into my life. I've had more than my share of assholes in my life, and some of them I was born to. So I don't want to play out an old song and dance from my youth, but with different faces. I don't deserve to be treated badly. I don't treat myself as well as I should, but I know when someone is treating me wrong. Disrespecting my life and choices, and telling me how to handle my life. Unless you live in my skin, you don't get to do that. I won't allow it. Especially if your shit doesn't smell like roses.
Back into the fray. Because that is just where my luck takes me.
Make pain bend.
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