Pain Journal's Greatest Hits: I'm Not Okay - My Chemical Romance

I'm Okay.

Don't mind the bags under my eyes. Or how hollow they look when you look deep enough. Or the fact that my eyes are half glazed from medications, and half empty from pain. The pain is really bad, but it could be worse. I've been down this road before. What's hurting me this moment is my mental state, not my pain levels. I'm trying every trick I know to keep myself as present as I can be. Because everything inside me wants out today. It doesn't help today is the inauguration of Trump. I'm not someone who can pretend this guy doesn't look like a train wreck straight to hell. My friends are all scared and horrified. Except for the odd ones who support him, and confuse me to no end. How can anyone support someone who has no real respect for human life? He's an abuser. Classic behavior. I have spent my whole life trying to get away from his kind, and instead I find myself being in a country ruled by one.

But I'm Okay right?

Yeah I got nothing to worry about. Just struggling to have my dreams in a world set on crushing them before they even start. I'm crying a lot this week. For frustration, for mourning, for even having normal reactions to too much stress. I can barely survive day to day, and I'm living in a really shitty situation right now I can't fix easily because guess what: EVERYTHING COSTS MONEY. All hail the almighty Trump Dollar. I'm just over reacting...

I'm totally Okay.

I just had to take extra seroquel last night because of how manic depressive I am right now. I started hearing voices again. That's a scary place to be. So I did what you do when a flare up of your bipolar happens and it scares you: You take more drugs. Then those drugs numb you down to the core and you sleep all the time...

I think I'm Okay...

But I also think about horrible things that haunt me like ghosts. I think too much right now. On all levels. I have a laundry list of things to do and it feels like more things get tacked on then taken off. I am fighting off another nervous breakdown, because now would be a really bad time to be hospitalized again. I'm slowly trying to dig my way out of this mess I am in, but I'm not even at half battery. I'm not even sure I still have a battery to charge.

I'm not Okay.

And that's just fine. I'll take it day by day until I really am Okay again. Today is just not that day.