PAIN MANAGEMENT AND RAGEMASTE

So despite myself, yesterday and today turned out to be a productive days. I was feeling completely drained, sore and depressed the last couple of days. I didn't want to do anything, let alone leave my house because I hurt and was really tired. I did some amazing art therapy though, and the work we focused on was Pain Management based. It was exactly what I needed oddly enough. I created some helpful pieces...

How I see my healing

What my pain looks like

It's important to be creative even when you feel like complete ass and you think there is no way out of your pit of humiliation and despair. Creating new neuropathways with the power of thought is important. Doing visualizations and art is much more productive than freaking out at the universe for it's unfairness.  I cannot change what happened to me, but I can work on making myself feel better by creating. I also am learning how to meditate, which is a weird experience. I don't sit still when I meditate because of the pain I am in. I have to wrestle my pain down so I can reach a calm within. So for me, meditation is a dance. It is musical trance. I need to move through it to find the calm in the storm.

So I have created my own Kweenyism...

Ragemaste: My divine rage honors and respects the divine rage in you.

Everyone close to me has their feelings about what is happening, and I have my own.  Mine carry a lot of rage, because I believe a lot of what happened last week was unfair, and I know if I was in Canada I would have been treated way better. I wouldn't have been put into ER JAIL for example, which was a hellish experience that even my Therapists agree wasn't handled well. Plus, I didn't really have control over how I acted while Hallucinating, but some people still hold that period of time over me and judge me. In my opinion, they are being unjustly cruel and putting their own projections of what happened onto me that don't reflect actual reality. I have to do a lot of work in therapy to deal with those feelings, because they impact my healing. I love the people who are judging me. If I didn't care for them, their opinions wouldn't matter and I'd be over it by now.

I had a mental breakdown. That is the reality of what happened. I broke down quite severely. And I didn't do it on purpose. It was completely drug induced. I have better ideas of how I would spend a week of time that don't involve being locked up and treated like a monster. And I have holes in my memory from that time period. It's fucking scary to know I have no control over my brain, or that I did stupid shit I am being held accountable for when I have no clue I did any of it.

Thus I created the term Ragemaste. It is a way to own the horrible feelings, and to forgive myself for having them. No one else will or can forgive me. And I won't wait around for people to treat me with dignity or kindness like I deserve, so I let it go and move on. I own my feelings, even the ugly, angry parts as they are the only things I have control over. Also, I own the sorrow that comes after. I feel a lot of grief for what happened. For we all have suffering, and I know I am not the only person who is upset about last week's terrible journey into hell. My husband for example, had to deal with the worst of my mania.

So let us honor our feelings. All of them, and sit in reflective contemplation together.

Ragemaste Monster-Kids. Ragemaste.

Now I go lie down and recover from horrible Fibro and Raynauds flare ups.