Things have been rough around here, especially financially. Moving to Seattle took a lot of out of us, and we have very little family support to boot. Living in our tiny apartment costs more than it's worth. Debt collectors keep calling me to remind me I owe them money for being in the hospital last year, our car needs repairs, I need a job that pays at least 800 dollars a week, but I can only work from home due to the pain levels I am in, and I am opening my very own online shop with things I make with my own hands.
Life has been rather stressful you might say.
In a fair world I could just make art for a living and live off that. But I'm not stupid. I know I need to find something real soon, because things cannot go on this way. Having people nag me about it only makes me angry and gets nothing solved. I know what's going on. I'm not blind to it. I know somehow we need money, and I don't want to end up in the hospital again because I tried to do a job in the outside world. I can't get disability in this country because I have never had a job here. I spent my working years in Canada. I live in the weirdest grey area you can get, trying to scrounge what I can where I can. I might have to start a fundraiser, but I don't like begging for money. I want to earn it. It's why I made my business to begin with. It's something I can offer in exchange for that paper shit. I am not broken because I have chronic illness. I just have to find alternative ways to get funds. If anyone has helpful suggestions on what I can do to supplement the art gig, please let me know. Things are getting desperate.
On the positive side of things: I am happy to report I am days away from my shop Marrow Minded Crafts opening! I am nervous, because anything like this takes so much work to get off the ground, but I am happy as well. I get to do something I enjoy doing, that makes others happy! YES! I love my little shop, and I am happy with all the commissions I've made for others. Now it's time to branch out. Making things makes me feel empowered and creative. When I think of something I want to try, I just do it now, instead of agonizing about it. Maybe I am just done dreaming. Dreaming is important, but don't get stuck doing only that. Dreams take work. You need to commit to your dreams, and even if it takes years in the making, don't give up.
Things are going to get better. Because I demand it. #dontfuckwiththequeen
Showing posts with label Ragemaste. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Ragemaste. Show all posts
Thursday, September 29, 2016
Monday, April 13, 2015
Kweeny's Thoughts on Graduation Day
Not sure how I feel about the concept of Graduating from my therapy program. It was never meant to be a long lasting thing. And I won't lie, some days have been really hard. Talking in a group situation is different than one on one, because people can do all sorts of things. Like interrupt you in the middle of you sharing your "check in". We check in everyday so everyone is updated on how the group feels. Lately, I haven't had much to complain about. Which is good, but makes checking in feel tedious. Because I really don't have anything I would deem worth calling problems. My other group members have problems. Sometimes big ones. And then it comes to me and all I can complain about is medical bills, my sleep issues, and how tired and sore I am.
I am sore everyday. That is how Fibro works. When it is cold, the Raynauds joins in to make things harder. That is my life. On my check in sheet have I taken to writing my pain levels under the mood level, because I find it offensive there isn't an option for that. I am tired of people focusing all their attentions on my brain, and not enough attention to pain management. I talk about my pain as much as anything else, maybe more so. Because it is more constant than my mania. I haven't felt manic since I came out of the hospital.
And I am on a lot of meds. More than I have ever been in my life. I know I could be on more, and I am grateful I don't have to be. I am worried if I tell my psychiatrist next week about my sleep issues he will suggest more medication. I don't want to live in a drug fueled haze my whole life. I know right now I am way better than I was. I am actually functioning like a mostly-sane person. I am calmer, still retaining my personality, funny, and actually considered CHILL by people who only met me after the meds. This makes me laugh every time I hear it. Or when my therapist calls me his "Meditation Queen."
To be honest, half the time I fall asleep. My therapist tells me it's okay, but I do much better when I have slept enough the night before. Sleeping is still not easy, though I do sleep better now than I ever did. I feel kinda weird to even complain about the sleep issues considering how bad things have been. All and all, I'm doing okay at therapy, and soon it will be done. Soon I will have to figure out what I am doing next, and add to my to-do list shopping around for a personal therapist as well as a new GP.
Progress is great, but it is also pretty frightening. Because the unknown can be daunting.
I am sore everyday. That is how Fibro works. When it is cold, the Raynauds joins in to make things harder. That is my life. On my check in sheet have I taken to writing my pain levels under the mood level, because I find it offensive there isn't an option for that. I am tired of people focusing all their attentions on my brain, and not enough attention to pain management. I talk about my pain as much as anything else, maybe more so. Because it is more constant than my mania. I haven't felt manic since I came out of the hospital.
And I am on a lot of meds. More than I have ever been in my life. I know I could be on more, and I am grateful I don't have to be. I am worried if I tell my psychiatrist next week about my sleep issues he will suggest more medication. I don't want to live in a drug fueled haze my whole life. I know right now I am way better than I was. I am actually functioning like a mostly-sane person. I am calmer, still retaining my personality, funny, and actually considered CHILL by people who only met me after the meds. This makes me laugh every time I hear it. Or when my therapist calls me his "Meditation Queen."
I'm totally zen motherfuckers!
To be honest, half the time I fall asleep. My therapist tells me it's okay, but I do much better when I have slept enough the night before. Sleeping is still not easy, though I do sleep better now than I ever did. I feel kinda weird to even complain about the sleep issues considering how bad things have been. All and all, I'm doing okay at therapy, and soon it will be done. Soon I will have to figure out what I am doing next, and add to my to-do list shopping around for a personal therapist as well as a new GP.
Progress is great, but it is also pretty frightening. Because the unknown can be daunting.
Friday, March 13, 2015
PAIN MANAGEMENT AND RAGEMASTE
So despite myself, yesterday and today turned out to be a productive days. I was feeling completely drained, sore and depressed the last couple of days. I didn't want to do anything, let alone leave my house because I hurt and was really tired. I did some amazing art therapy though, and the work we focused on was Pain Management based. It was exactly what I needed oddly enough. I created some helpful pieces...
It's important to be creative even when you feel like complete ass and you think there is no way out of your pit of humiliation and despair. Creating new neuropathways with the power of thought is important. Doing visualizations and art is much more productive than freaking out at the universe for it's unfairness. I cannot change what happened to me, but I can work on making myself feel better by creating. I also am learning how to meditate, which is a weird experience. I don't sit still when I meditate because of the pain I am in. I have to wrestle my pain down so I can reach a calm within. So for me, meditation is a dance. It is musical trance. I need to move through it to find the calm in the storm.
So I have created my own Kweenyism...
Everyone close to me has their feelings about what is happening, and I have my own. Mine carry a lot of rage, because I believe a lot of what happened last week was unfair, and I know if I was in Canada I would have been treated way better. I wouldn't have been put into ER JAIL for example, which was a hellish experience that even my Therapists agree wasn't handled well. Plus, I didn't really have control over how I acted while Hallucinating, but some people still hold that period of time over me and judge me. In my opinion, they are being unjustly cruel and putting their own projections of what happened onto me that don't reflect actual reality. I have to do a lot of work in therapy to deal with those feelings, because they impact my healing. I love the people who are judging me. If I didn't care for them, their opinions wouldn't matter and I'd be over it by now.
I had a mental breakdown. That is the reality of what happened. I broke down quite severely. And I didn't do it on purpose. It was completely drug induced. I have better ideas of how I would spend a week of time that don't involve being locked up and treated like a monster. And I have holes in my memory from that time period. It's fucking scary to know I have no control over my brain, or that I did stupid shit I am being held accountable for when I have no clue I did any of it.
Thus I created the term Ragemaste. It is a way to own the horrible feelings, and to forgive myself for having them. No one else will or can forgive me. And I won't wait around for people to treat me with dignity or kindness like I deserve, so I let it go and move on. I own my feelings, even the ugly, angry parts as they are the only things I have control over. Also, I own the sorrow that comes after. I feel a lot of grief for what happened. For we all have suffering, and I know I am not the only person who is upset about last week's terrible journey into hell. My husband for example, had to deal with the worst of my mania.
So let us honor our feelings. All of them, and sit in reflective contemplation together.
Ragemaste Monster-Kids. Ragemaste.
Now I go lie down and recover from horrible Fibro and Raynauds flare ups.
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| How I see my healing |
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| What my pain looks like |
So I have created my own Kweenyism...
Ragemaste: My divine rage honors and respects the divine rage in you.
Everyone close to me has their feelings about what is happening, and I have my own. Mine carry a lot of rage, because I believe a lot of what happened last week was unfair, and I know if I was in Canada I would have been treated way better. I wouldn't have been put into ER JAIL for example, which was a hellish experience that even my Therapists agree wasn't handled well. Plus, I didn't really have control over how I acted while Hallucinating, but some people still hold that period of time over me and judge me. In my opinion, they are being unjustly cruel and putting their own projections of what happened onto me that don't reflect actual reality. I have to do a lot of work in therapy to deal with those feelings, because they impact my healing. I love the people who are judging me. If I didn't care for them, their opinions wouldn't matter and I'd be over it by now.
I had a mental breakdown. That is the reality of what happened. I broke down quite severely. And I didn't do it on purpose. It was completely drug induced. I have better ideas of how I would spend a week of time that don't involve being locked up and treated like a monster. And I have holes in my memory from that time period. It's fucking scary to know I have no control over my brain, or that I did stupid shit I am being held accountable for when I have no clue I did any of it.
Thus I created the term Ragemaste. It is a way to own the horrible feelings, and to forgive myself for having them. No one else will or can forgive me. And I won't wait around for people to treat me with dignity or kindness like I deserve, so I let it go and move on. I own my feelings, even the ugly, angry parts as they are the only things I have control over. Also, I own the sorrow that comes after. I feel a lot of grief for what happened. For we all have suffering, and I know I am not the only person who is upset about last week's terrible journey into hell. My husband for example, had to deal with the worst of my mania.
So let us honor our feelings. All of them, and sit in reflective contemplation together.
Ragemaste Monster-Kids. Ragemaste.
Now I go lie down and recover from horrible Fibro and Raynauds flare ups.
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