Kweeny's Tribute to Hir Loves

Mother of Serpents

It's my dead mother's birthday today. This and her death anniversary are hard days for me. I have an appointment with one of my many doctors later, and it's going to be hard to get out of bed. Not just because of pain, but because I don't want to face tomorrow and my mother's ghost. The mess my life has become in the last while is a hard pill to swallow, harder than the many different medications I have to take now. But I know I am loved. Deeply loved by my Monster-kids. I know I have a support network in the wings waiting for me to tell them what I need. I just don't want to abuse that kindness, or be a burden on anyone. I am humiliated enough when I look at my swollen legs or when my back spasms uncontrollably. But I am making a choice, like I do every morning and every night. Today I want to think about my lovers and how blessed I am. Not everyone has such love in their lives while they suffer from chronic pain and bipolar disorder. It takes a lot of courage to love someone who is as complex and fucked up with disorders like I am.

I am choosing to focus on my beautiful poly(amorous) family. Especially two very special bitches I have been the most difficult with when I lost my marbles.

NOM NOM NOM!

This is my husband Lord Bearington. I grew up not believing I was ever going to be loved, let alone married. I didn't believe I could hold down a long term relationship, and for a while I broke many hearts as I learned what love was. His lordship is more than my husband. He's my battle buddy and BFF. Even when I scare the fucking crap out of him (and scare myself shitless) he is still devoted to me.

Don't ask me what we are doing. You had to be there. 

And then there is this mad creature Mephista. This demonic-fox-bitch tugs at my heart strings whether she is near or far away. Even from India I couldn't escape my feelings for her. She inspires me with her zest for life and her authenticity challenges me to be a better version of myself. She is an independent monster-kid like myself, and we pretty much can wear each other's clothes. We are dark sisters as well as lovers, and like his Lordship, she is a warrior.

She loves me, even when I piss her off. Even when we disagree.

I feel truly grateful for their presences in my life. Even when they are hurting me with their fierce truths. Especially when they have to leave me in a padded cell so I can get the help I need to overcome this chronic shit. It wasn't good for me to be there. It made some of my chronic issues more intense, but I needed help. I tried doing the self care the easy way, but as is typical of my Kweenybeast nature, I couldn't just leave my wounds alone.

At least in the end doctors believe my pain is real.

*pets Bear*

I had a legit psychotic break. It was spurred on by medication and pain, both of which spiraled out of control. I had dystonia, hallucinations and allergic reactions, all within the same span of time. Plus, I overdosed on my hormones (birth control) which made me a fucking nutbar. I got myself into some trouble because reality wasn't the same for me that everyone else was experiencing. While I accept my part in things and try to accept who I am becoming, I didn't have much control over my mental state. It put me in the hospital 3 times. My stubbornness didn't help and I didn't want anyone telling me what to do.

Werewolf has gotta werewolf.

So for those of you who stuck by me as I fell apart and put myself back together, thank you. Your concern wasn't ignored. Nor is it being ignored now. But I am who I am, and I can't be constantly on a leash, nor can I hand hold anyone back who has issues with chronic illness and madness. I get by one day at a time now. One moment at a time.  And I think I am doing a great job coping considering.

I love you all for being in my life. Thank you for loving me back.