Being Bipolar Is Kinda Like Being A Wolf...

People fear wolves. For decades they have been hunted under the guise of misinformation. People also instantly assume crap about you when you are Bipolar too. I guess I really am the Chronic Werewolf.

Time to get my Wolfie on...

*cracks knuckles and growls*

Out of all the mental illnesses you could get, Bipolar is one of the few that has the most misinformation and causes the most bullshit, condescending responses from people who claim they wanna help. Seriously, no one even hears my other conditions sometimes if they hear the Bipolar one first. It's so bad I have taken to listing it LAST when I tell people about my conditions, so they hear ALL THE OTHER SHIT I live with daily first.

It matters guys. It matters deeply to me.

I have PTSD, Fibromyalgia, Raynauds Syndrome, Chronic Fatigue, DID and yes, Bipolar Disorder.

Did I just get a chronic pain bingo?

My husband's ever-so-thoughtful relative for example, sent him a ton of links about Bipolar and loving a Bipolar person under the guise of "helping." She probably really thought what she was doing was helpful. She probably figured that because she had a grandson who has it, she KNOWS now how bad it is. Because he and I are totally the same people dealing with the same chronic afflictions...

*rubs temples*

You know what helps someone who is suffering from Bipolar? When you don't think reading a few articles will give you an insight into how a person lives with a spouse like us. Or how about treating people who have Bipolar with dignity and respect, instead of assuming a bunch of shit from articles you read! Or how about just realizing I am dealing with MORE than one SUPER SCARY condition, so I am not like every other Bipolar person in the world! Treating me like I am a diseased creature who should be locked up on full moons is actually not that helpful. Though it would make a sexy photo shoot to have me locked up behind bars growling as I rip my shirt off...

Cages only work on a temporary basis anyhow.

Sadly, in real life, that isn't how it works.

So if I can ask one thing from family and friends, it's to not assume anything about my life and afflictions. Come talk to me directly about my chronic shit. I would be more than happy to have a conversation about it, especially if you are actually concerned and want to learn. I am very good a discerning true compassion, from people having agendas. Also, sending links is all well and good, but don't pretend you care when really you are coming from a place of misinformation and fear. I know the difference. I am a Chronic Werewolf, it's true, but I am fucking working hard daily to deal with my shit. I have multiple medical bills to prove it.

And until you are ready to pay one of those bills, you can shut the fuck up about my conditions.

(Unless you are willing to make a sexy werewolf-cage-photo-shoot. Then, I am ready to talk.)

/mic drop

Kweeny's Tribute to Hir Loves

Mother of Serpents

It's my dead mother's birthday today. This and her death anniversary are hard days for me. I have an appointment with one of my many doctors later, and it's going to be hard to get out of bed. Not just because of pain, but because I don't want to face tomorrow and my mother's ghost. The mess my life has become in the last while is a hard pill to swallow, harder than the many different medications I have to take now. But I know I am loved. Deeply loved by my Monster-kids. I know I have a support network in the wings waiting for me to tell them what I need. I just don't want to abuse that kindness, or be a burden on anyone. I am humiliated enough when I look at my swollen legs or when my back spasms uncontrollably. But I am making a choice, like I do every morning and every night. Today I want to think about my lovers and how blessed I am. Not everyone has such love in their lives while they suffer from chronic pain and bipolar disorder. It takes a lot of courage to love someone who is as complex and fucked up with disorders like I am.

I am choosing to focus on my beautiful poly(amorous) family. Especially two very special bitches I have been the most difficult with when I lost my marbles.

NOM NOM NOM!

This is my husband Lord Bearington. I grew up not believing I was ever going to be loved, let alone married. I didn't believe I could hold down a long term relationship, and for a while I broke many hearts as I learned what love was. His lordship is more than my husband. He's my battle buddy and BFF. Even when I scare the fucking crap out of him (and scare myself shitless) he is still devoted to me.

Don't ask me what we are doing. You had to be there. 

And then there is this mad creature Mephista. This demonic-fox-bitch tugs at my heart strings whether she is near or far away. Even from India I couldn't escape my feelings for her. She inspires me with her zest for life and her authenticity challenges me to be a better version of myself. She is an independent monster-kid like myself, and we pretty much can wear each other's clothes. We are dark sisters as well as lovers, and like his Lordship, she is a warrior.

She loves me, even when I piss her off. Even when we disagree.

I feel truly grateful for their presences in my life. Even when they are hurting me with their fierce truths. Especially when they have to leave me in a padded cell so I can get the help I need to overcome this chronic shit. It wasn't good for me to be there. It made some of my chronic issues more intense, but I needed help. I tried doing the self care the easy way, but as is typical of my Kweenybeast nature, I couldn't just leave my wounds alone.

At least in the end doctors believe my pain is real.

*pets Bear*

I had a legit psychotic break. It was spurred on by medication and pain, both of which spiraled out of control. I had dystonia, hallucinations and allergic reactions, all within the same span of time. Plus, I overdosed on my hormones (birth control) which made me a fucking nutbar. I got myself into some trouble because reality wasn't the same for me that everyone else was experiencing. While I accept my part in things and try to accept who I am becoming, I didn't have much control over my mental state. It put me in the hospital 3 times. My stubbornness didn't help and I didn't want anyone telling me what to do.

Werewolf has gotta werewolf.

So for those of you who stuck by me as I fell apart and put myself back together, thank you. Your concern wasn't ignored. Nor is it being ignored now. But I am who I am, and I can't be constantly on a leash, nor can I hand hold anyone back who has issues with chronic illness and madness. I get by one day at a time now. One moment at a time.  And I think I am doing a great job coping considering.

I love you all for being in my life. Thank you for loving me back.