Kweeny's Pain Journal's Greastest Hits: Hurt - Falls Apart

Today has been a really hard day, and it's not even over yet. I still have appointments to go to until 5pm tonight.  just want to curl up in a ball and disappear.

I saw my GP today. My doctor says I am doing so much better than the last time she saw me. And yet I feel completely like shit. I'm tired, sore, and feel defeated spiritually. I'm trying really hard to not let all of the last few weeks get to me, and to celebrate my little victories. But I feel so alone with all this. So completely, utterly alone.

My doctor was happy to be told about all the drugs I am on, and she seemed to even have some sympathy for me when I told her how terrified I am that I may need these drugs for the rest of my life. She actually agreed for once with me, and the irony isn't lost on me. I've bitterly laughed at the darkness for that cruel joke. The one time I want her to tell me this is all temporary and I will be right as rain in no time she cannot do it. She agrees I have Fibro now, and when I showed her the pain spots on my back she just nodded and said, "Yup that's Fibromyalgia all right. Yup, you got Raynauds. Yup, you have mental issues. Sorry kid."

No wonder I feel defeated today. At least I got a referral to a specialist. It will take me a few months and a ton of paperwork to see her, but there is progress.

I also realized how badly I have been fighting people. Wanting nothing but to hug them but I can't because I am so spiky right now. My spikes have retreated when I realized that they don't just hurt me, they hurt EVERYONE. Anyone who gets too close to me could get their face bitten off by the mad She-wolf. And my poor dying god aspect is getting the worst treatment of anyone. Because he cannot hide from the She-wolf like other people can. My inner pack I call Mirror Shards has no choice to but to deal with the demons as they lash out cruelly. My sacred Animus is being murdered and raped over and over because the Mad Wolf cannot forgive the transgressions of males in her past.

Maybe she will stop hurting him now that she realizes what she is doing is wrong.

Maybe.

Always waiting for answers...

I got a referral to a specialist. But it will take months to get in, and I will have a ton of paperwork to do to see her. In the meantime I have therapy. Lots and lots of therapy, and I have a psychiatrist I will be seeing on Friday. He will adjust my lithium levels then and do a follow up to see if I am coping okay.

I'm coping. Not sure I am okay though. Not sure I will ever be okay.  I'm hoping people can still love me like this. Because I cannot go back to who I used to be. I am hoping I can rise above all this, but I need to keep fighting in order to do so. I need to be a "shark" and circle my goals like prey.it's the only way I won't be sucked deep into the pit of despair and self hatred.

And I hope people will want to be around me again soon. Especially my girlfriend. I miss her. I pushed her hard away from me out of fear. I did it because I thought I was dying.

And a part of me is. And I'm scared. I can no longer have illusions about my abilities. I have to pace myself now, so I don't get upset and lash out. So I can still cultivate my rose garden of lovers and precious folks. I'm an asshole sometimes, but I hope I can be forgiven for that considering all the bullshit I am being forced to endure lately.

"I cracked my head and broke my heart..."

Until next time journal. It's time for Therapy.

Kweeny's Tribute to Hir Loves

Mother of Serpents

It's my dead mother's birthday today. This and her death anniversary are hard days for me. I have an appointment with one of my many doctors later, and it's going to be hard to get out of bed. Not just because of pain, but because I don't want to face tomorrow and my mother's ghost. The mess my life has become in the last while is a hard pill to swallow, harder than the many different medications I have to take now. But I know I am loved. Deeply loved by my Monster-kids. I know I have a support network in the wings waiting for me to tell them what I need. I just don't want to abuse that kindness, or be a burden on anyone. I am humiliated enough when I look at my swollen legs or when my back spasms uncontrollably. But I am making a choice, like I do every morning and every night. Today I want to think about my lovers and how blessed I am. Not everyone has such love in their lives while they suffer from chronic pain and bipolar disorder. It takes a lot of courage to love someone who is as complex and fucked up with disorders like I am.

I am choosing to focus on my beautiful poly(amorous) family. Especially two very special bitches I have been the most difficult with when I lost my marbles.

NOM NOM NOM!

This is my husband Lord Bearington. I grew up not believing I was ever going to be loved, let alone married. I didn't believe I could hold down a long term relationship, and for a while I broke many hearts as I learned what love was. His lordship is more than my husband. He's my battle buddy and BFF. Even when I scare the fucking crap out of him (and scare myself shitless) he is still devoted to me.

Don't ask me what we are doing. You had to be there. 

And then there is this mad creature Mephista. This demonic-fox-bitch tugs at my heart strings whether she is near or far away. Even from India I couldn't escape my feelings for her. She inspires me with her zest for life and her authenticity challenges me to be a better version of myself. She is an independent monster-kid like myself, and we pretty much can wear each other's clothes. We are dark sisters as well as lovers, and like his Lordship, she is a warrior.

She loves me, even when I piss her off. Even when we disagree.

I feel truly grateful for their presences in my life. Even when they are hurting me with their fierce truths. Especially when they have to leave me in a padded cell so I can get the help I need to overcome this chronic shit. It wasn't good for me to be there. It made some of my chronic issues more intense, but I needed help. I tried doing the self care the easy way, but as is typical of my Kweenybeast nature, I couldn't just leave my wounds alone.

At least in the end doctors believe my pain is real.

*pets Bear*

I had a legit psychotic break. It was spurred on by medication and pain, both of which spiraled out of control. I had dystonia, hallucinations and allergic reactions, all within the same span of time. Plus, I overdosed on my hormones (birth control) which made me a fucking nutbar. I got myself into some trouble because reality wasn't the same for me that everyone else was experiencing. While I accept my part in things and try to accept who I am becoming, I didn't have much control over my mental state. It put me in the hospital 3 times. My stubbornness didn't help and I didn't want anyone telling me what to do.

Werewolf has gotta werewolf.

So for those of you who stuck by me as I fell apart and put myself back together, thank you. Your concern wasn't ignored. Nor is it being ignored now. But I am who I am, and I can't be constantly on a leash, nor can I hand hold anyone back who has issues with chronic illness and madness. I get by one day at a time now. One moment at a time.  And I think I am doing a great job coping considering.

I love you all for being in my life. Thank you for loving me back.