On Swords in the Snow and Writing

I have many friends in Canada I still keep in contact with. Some friendships can survive distance, which I am grateful for. One such friendship is with my Big Sister Marcy. She is one of the few people I call Big Sister, because I tend to be the Older Sister. I'm an old soul, and I am in my mid 30's. So I tend to hang around a lot of young folk who look up to me.

I look up to Marcy though. She's a strong bitch who survived a lot of shit. We both came from hard backgrounds, we both got raised in the same city (and know what The Hammer means), and we even know some of the same folks from that place. But she's survived some really frightening things, like being in New Orleans when Hurricane Katrina happened. She's a fucking bad ass, because she managed to live through it and come home to tell the tale.

We have started a new project together that I am stoked about. My first time co-writing with her! It's going to be awesome. I can't say much more as we are still in the brainstorming stage, but it is going to be awesome. I am glad to be doing some creative with my Big Sis!

She showed me some amazing pictures she did sitting in the snow with her blade. She looks like a warrior Queen. A true, fierce powerful force, cutting through the elements. She told me she had a mantra in her head as she did the photos, "Make pain bend." I found this extremely powerful. Make Pain Bend. You can't erase it. You can't go back in time to when it wasn't there. It is here, in the now, and you can live with it. Bend the pain. Not yourself. Yes.

This is the battle one has with Invisible Chronic Illness. The battle of making pain bend. Of being alive with the pain. It is a struggle. Every day the pain takes more and more of your time, your sense of self, your ability to get up and fight. Just bend it. As much as you can.

She told me she thought of me while sitting out in the snow, which was a great honor to me. She knows how hard things have been. That my Raynauds and Fibro are making life suck. I have to take meds just to be somewhat functional right now, and I couldn't sit out in the cold holding a blade which would feel like getting ice-burned if I touched it. The weather would literally suck the heat from my body and I would go into spasms. Her strength was inspiring. She once couldn't climb a wall because her Fibro was so bad, and I recently saw her do this. She climbed a mother fucking wall right to the top, like a true bad ass. This is strength to me. She makes the pain bend. She doesn't let it dictate her life.

Bad Ass!

I wrote to her today, "I keep trying though. I face what I am now with all the invisible BS people can't see. I face my Bipolar, my PTSD...all of it. I need to be on pills to be sane, and pain meds to sometimes just get out of bed. I stare at stacks of med bills, knowing if I was in Canada things would be different. Did I know one day I would move? Yes. When I fell for Bear I knew. I knew I wasn't wealthy enough to support him, and I had no family to turn to for sponsorship. I got chewed out for my choice to leave, without people truly understanding why.

I'd honestly be dead without my husband. When I had my mental breakdown I was a danger to myself. Three times I was wheeled out on a stretcher, for my safety. Bear saved me from myself as much as he could.
I feel a bit emotional seeing you in the snow like that. I think it is pretty bad ass too honestly. Squinting or not, you look fierce. Canadian girls kick ass!"

Battle On...

Thank you to all my Canadian friends who understand and still wish to keep me in your life. I love you all and miss home greatly.

Being Bipolar Is Kinda Like Being A Wolf...

People fear wolves. For decades they have been hunted under the guise of misinformation. People also instantly assume crap about you when you are Bipolar too. I guess I really am the Chronic Werewolf.

Time to get my Wolfie on...

*cracks knuckles and growls*

Out of all the mental illnesses you could get, Bipolar is one of the few that has the most misinformation and causes the most bullshit, condescending responses from people who claim they wanna help. Seriously, no one even hears my other conditions sometimes if they hear the Bipolar one first. It's so bad I have taken to listing it LAST when I tell people about my conditions, so they hear ALL THE OTHER SHIT I live with daily first.

It matters guys. It matters deeply to me.

I have PTSD, Fibromyalgia, Raynauds Syndrome, Chronic Fatigue, DID and yes, Bipolar Disorder.

Did I just get a chronic pain bingo?

My husband's ever-so-thoughtful relative for example, sent him a ton of links about Bipolar and loving a Bipolar person under the guise of "helping." She probably really thought what she was doing was helpful. She probably figured that because she had a grandson who has it, she KNOWS now how bad it is. Because he and I are totally the same people dealing with the same chronic afflictions...

*rubs temples*

You know what helps someone who is suffering from Bipolar? When you don't think reading a few articles will give you an insight into how a person lives with a spouse like us. Or how about treating people who have Bipolar with dignity and respect, instead of assuming a bunch of shit from articles you read! Or how about just realizing I am dealing with MORE than one SUPER SCARY condition, so I am not like every other Bipolar person in the world! Treating me like I am a diseased creature who should be locked up on full moons is actually not that helpful. Though it would make a sexy photo shoot to have me locked up behind bars growling as I rip my shirt off...

Cages only work on a temporary basis anyhow.

Sadly, in real life, that isn't how it works.

So if I can ask one thing from family and friends, it's to not assume anything about my life and afflictions. Come talk to me directly about my chronic shit. I would be more than happy to have a conversation about it, especially if you are actually concerned and want to learn. I am very good a discerning true compassion, from people having agendas. Also, sending links is all well and good, but don't pretend you care when really you are coming from a place of misinformation and fear. I know the difference. I am a Chronic Werewolf, it's true, but I am fucking working hard daily to deal with my shit. I have multiple medical bills to prove it.

And until you are ready to pay one of those bills, you can shut the fuck up about my conditions.

(Unless you are willing to make a sexy werewolf-cage-photo-shoot. Then, I am ready to talk.)

/mic drop

KICKING ASS, EVEN IF IT'S MY OWN ASS THAT NEEDS KICKING

This post is for all the negative thoughts/people that try to hijack my mind.

You know who you are assholes.

Yes, I am retaining water and it's ballooning me up like a sausage. But I am still awesome. Still beautiful. Still a worthwhile friend and lover. I know it's really hard to see our worth today gang. The Gory Kingdom is a bit of a mess, but it's getting cleaned up slowly. The Primary Shards are getting off their collective asses to help, even while the minor Shards act like douche canoes and try to distract from progress.

Good thing I have amazingly strong drive. Shout out to my inner warrior-bitch-Queen for helping us all stay on track.

Do go on Ty, flattery will get you everywhere.

When you are bipolar, all your emotions are on hyper-drive. You are constantly in mental anguish because you feel so strongly. You can even jump to conclusions quickly if you aren't careful.

It's why I am also on Seraquiol and Lithium. They are drugs that help regulate moods. On my own, I cannot regulate them anymore. Plus, I am on pain management medications, because along with my mental anguish, I live in physical pain too.

My life is exciting!

I'm still going out with my husband today. We are gonna go shopping for costuming bits for our LARPS coming up next week and the week after. I am STOKED to be LARPING again. I need a vacation from my head by having someone else's problems.

And to my inner voices/problems that wish to fuck with my day, I have a little image for you: