Pain Journal: Fucking Number Whatever...

Tonight fucking sucked.

I thought if I went to a friends gathering, I would be okay. I used to be okay at gatherings. I used to not be so fucking fragile that when a stranger came into my personal space, I wasn't gonna go all aggressive on their face! I don't need to be aggressive, I just am. And I am the kind of person that if you invade my personal space without letting me give you permission first to do so, I will bite you.

This wolfie bites.

I tried to at least not bite too hard. I tried to do the honesty thing and tell her straight she just triggered me, but instead she acted like I had slapped her very soul! I fucking tried to play by the adult rules, but she made it seem like I just beat her puppy in front of her! Like I set out to ruin her day...

Holy fuck man!

I worked really, really fucking hard to even get out of my house today! I have been cooped up in my house for a very long time! As I walked today when I finally got to go out, I shuffled my feet along the ground like an old crone, and when my husband saw this, he said flatly, "Take your cane today baby. I know you don't want to but you need it."

I really, really don't want a cane! I will feel broken when I use it. And I don't want to feel broken. Luckily for me, I have a sneaky friend who loves me. She is so sneaky, she sold me on the idea of a cane for walking around. Because she appealed to my inner Granny Addams.

These are the awesome folks I work with at Living Dead Magazine. Also, there is my bitching snake cane!

When she gave me the cane she went on about how powerful it was, how magical and old it was. She'd talk about how finely crafted it was made, because she knows I love that shit. I eat it up! I care about how things are created. Especially pretty things made of wood. And my cane is magnificent. It is my Jafar cane, and I can totally put people into a trance when I use it!

LOL!

Or in reality, I TRY to hypnotize them and they just shake their heads and go, "Oh Kweeny. You're not Jafar you idiot."

I am fucking Jafar bitches!

Jafar's commentary on the state of my broken ass.

Don't even hate...

Anyhow...

I think I might need the Seraqoul. I don't wanna even say that. But I wrote this status just now that made it all make sense:

Maybe I need to cage the werewolf until I can handle holding it's leash again.
Because tonight sure taught me I can't handle my shit right now. I really cant.
Maybe I really do need this scary Seraquol shit. Fuck, my pain makes me crazy with how intense it is right now. Maybe I really did fuck my back up so bad I need painkillers to function. Maybe my tailbone didnt heal right. Because it still fucking hurts.
I should just focus on that when I talk to the doctor in 4 weeks.
Maybe that is legit enough for me to move to the fast lane.
Maybe...

So...I guess my back isn't in great shape right now? And it's been like this for almost a year? Constant pain for almost a full fucking year? WELL I GUESS I AM A GIMP HUH!?

*facepalms*

Life, seriously, I dunno why you do this to me. I just wanna love you to death! But you keep treating me bad baby...

I have fought so hard, so fucking hard my whole life to NOT be my mother!

And this sucks!

Because it means that when she threatened me as a child she was right... "One day Kweeny, you are gonna fall apart like mummy! You are gonna be a fucking mess of a thing, and you know why? BECAUSE LIFE ISN'T FAIR!"

No, no it isn't.